"Monster at the End of This Book."

Scene I

Willow - When shall we three meet again; in club, library, or park?

Giles - When the fucking's done, when the vampire's lost and won

Tara - That will be ere set of sun.

Willow - Where the place?

Giles - On bed, belike.

Tara - There to meet with Spike.

Willow - He'll come, Graymalkin!

All - lust calls, anon. Fair is foul and foul is fair; horny screams do
rend the air.


Scene II

[Alarum within. Enter Buffy, Xander, Anya, meeting a bleeding man.]

Buffy - What bloody man is that? He can report, as seemeth by his plight, of the flirting and rated X phone calls.

Xander - This is the vampire, who, like a evil and horny vampire, tried seduction ';gainst my captivity: hail, brave foe, say to the Slayer the knowledge of the broil, as thou didst say it.

Spike - Bloody hell, what? Just because I spoke 19th century English, doesn't mean I understand this 16th century crap. All I did was goose him a little.

Buffy - O, valiant cousin! You what?

Spike - I said I goosed him. Maybe twice.

Buffy - Dismayed not this our captains, Xander and Anya?

Spike - Who made them captains? [Gets poked by Anya] Er, right, um, can't say more, my wounds need tending. Wanna send Xander over to plug up my wound?

Buffy - So well thy words become thee, as thy wounds. THey smack of seduction, both - Go, get him bound and gagged.

Spike - Now we're talking!

[Enter Dawn]

Buffy - Who comes here?

Spike - Me, if you'd just tie me up a bit harder. [Gets whapped by Anya, who whispers that he's supposed to have exited with the attendents, and Spike whispers back what attendents?]

Xander - The worthy thane of dawn.

Anya - What a haste look in her eyes! So should he look, that comes to speak of algebra homework.

Dawn - God save the king! [Looks confused.]

Buffy - That's 'Slayer'. WHence cam'st thou, worthy thane?

Dawn - What's a thane?

Buffy - If you'd done your English homework, you'd know. Where've you been?

Dawn - In Fife, great Sister, where the Study Hallers flout the teachers, and fan our brains cold. Homework itself, in terrible number, assisted by that most un-eaten principal the thane of Cawdor, 'gan a dismal conflict: to finish the paper, or go to the movies. Confronted us with self-comparisons, point against point the assignments given, arm 'gainst arm curbed our lavish spirits. And, to conclude, I snuck out because Willow's gonna help me later.

Buffy - Great shame! I never did such a thing when I was your age!

Spike - Oi! What's this? I thought I was gonna get shag-- uh, hello, lil bit. Er, I'll just wait in the back, here. Somebody gonna send Xander back here to help me with these chains?

Buffy - No more shall vampires deceive our bosom interest - Go, pronounce your undeath and with your former title, Bloody William.

Xander - Bosom? Buffy's bosom?

Anya [to Buffy] - That didn't rhyme.

Buffy - What?

Anya - It's supposed to rhyme.

Dawn - Can I go to the mall?

Buffy - Whatever! Exeunt already!

Spike - Does this mean Xan can shag me, now?