Guilt and Pleasure

I leave him in bed. A single glance back and I stop; for a moment I just look. There is wonder there it's always there, waiting for me to stop and see this man lying here, standing here, sitting, talking laughing being. Near me. With me.

I pause to let the wonder fill me, then I turn again. I have a purpose, sneaking out of my bed at such an hour when there is someone to curl up with, to kiss and cuddle and maybe wake up again just to hear him groan and feel him stretch against me.

But I let him sleep. Leave him for what I cannot let him see.

He knows; he can't not. He knew before, but now, living with me... Knowing isn't the same as seeing.

I try not to let him see.

Instead, ashamed of my needs, I sneak out of the room, away from him and his warmth and his strength and his exhaling breath on my face. Sneak into the kitchen and, silently as a hunter can, reach for what sustains me. What, besides his touch and his words, I need to survive.

I move silently and with surety; I don't need night vision to find my way here, in my own home. I don't fumble as I move, opening doors and slipping them quietly shut. I move to the table and only then do I reach out to make sure that what I see is what is there. The chairs are never exactly where you leave them, never where you know you won't catch a toe on a stiff piece of wood.

Ask me why I have wooden chairs. I don't know.

I sit, my secret, shameful prize held carefully in my hands. The microwave has made it warm, not too hot though I admit it took me years to learn how to set the microwave right. Every time I get a new one, I have to learn all over again. Too hot, and even a vampire finds a burned tongue to be annoying. Though once my lover offered to kiss it and make it better...

I lose myself for a moment, remembering his tongue on mine, soothing burns healing already, easing the brief stab of pain that had faded before he even kissed me. Made me forget about the cup I held in my hands coffee, that time until my hands began to slip and it began to fall and we both laughed when I caught it before it gave him a burn even worse than mine. That didn't stop me from offering to kiss it and make it better, and that made us both forget why we'd crawled out of bed at all, that day.

I let the memory go for now and turn my attention back to the warmth in my hands. One last glance towards the bedroom, and I lean forward. The taste fills my mouth, and I close my eyes.