Broken Lines

I see him almost every day. Every night. Sometimes I don't realize how often I see him until suddenly he's not there and I turn around, confused for the moment it takes me to realize: he has a life outside me. Outside our work, that is. There is no "me" where he's concerned, otherwise. There is no 'we'.

I wish there was more, but there won't be. That goes without saying - - at least it has, and will continue to do so. I don't intend on telling anyone this little secret.

But I wish I could.

I wish I could tell him. Sometimes, when it's late and we've all been up far too long, fighting evil far too much, I want to just take his hand and say it.

I can imagine the look on his face, which is why I don't. One reason why I don't. Sometimes it's the main reason.

I don't for a moment think my feelings are returned. How could he feel this way about someone like me?

Someone his complete opposite in every way. There's no way he could ever love me.

I'm surprised he puts up with me at all. Calls me a friend. I never anticipated that. Never anticipated wanting more. But I do.

It's hopeless. I think about him far too much, and I shouldn't. I have no right. Shouldn't be thinking of him. Of being with him.

Of being happy.

I have no right to think of being happy, with him. I don't dare.

I don't for a moment think I'd be the one to make him happy.

But it'd be nice if I could be.

It's futile. I know I should just walk away. Tell him no more, no more playing at saving the world when all I really want is for him to look at me that way. That Way, the way that in my dreams makes my knees shake and my heart pound.

I dream about him whenever I fall asleep. Sometimes he laughs. Sometimes he looks disgusted and walks away.

Sometimes he says yes.

I don't know which is worse.

I wish I had the nerve to find out. I tell myself that knowing would have to be better than this.

Then common sense kicks in and I know better. Suffer silently, and at least he stays.

Because he doesn't know.

I wish I could just hold him, once.

Kiss him, one time.

Wesley.

Angel.

I love you.