John & Rodney 4Ever (Anatomy of a McKay/Sheppard Badfic)

~ It's written funny because I was describing the story, instead of telling it. So, you know. That's why.

John will get hysterical because Rodney insults his fashion sense and he'll get in a tizzy and the entire city will be in an uproar because he's bitchy and slamming doors and giving annoying orders.

Finally Weir will have to tell Rodney to say something nice or else. Rodney will say fine, and go find John, and say 'your clothes are clean and smell like pine.'

John will stop crying, and look at Rodney with big, hopeful eyes. He'll give a little hiccup, and say, "You think so?" He swears that he will always and forever use that same brand of washing powder. Which they don't have a lot of, being so far from Earth and all, but he'll find a Magical Ancient Laundry Soap Creating Device and hide it in his closet so no one will know how he makes his clothes clean and smell like pine.

He has to sacrifice drops of his own blood to make it work but it's worth it. To give up a little of himself seems Right and he's willing to do it, because Rodney is everything.

Until finally he can't hide it anymore -- the loss of iron and white blood cells. He has to go to the infirmary where Beckett gives him the stern look and he confesses it all, so tired of hiding and really, it doesn't matter anymore if he's dying anyway?

Dying for Love, what could be nobler?

They bring Rodney in, and John is lying in the infirmary bed, weak and pale and can barely lift his hand. But he manages, and Rodney takes his hand and yes. He can feel it. The Bond. It makes John think of clean forests, with the breeze and the crunch of twigs and the smell of pine.

Rodney stammers a bit, trying to say something, but John doesn't need words. Rodney's holding his hand. John closes his eyes and slips into a deep, forever sleep, his soul at rest.

He wakes up the next morning with Carson telling him to eat more protein.

When he gets back to his quarters he finds they've taken away his soap making device! He's angry, but shall not be stymied. He searches the entire city, in secret. It takes him a long time, sneaking around so no one will find out what he's up to.

He has to act like everything's normal, during the day. At night he searches, and he's getting less and less sleep. He sees Rodney almost every day and John smiles and nods and tries to keep his distance because his clothes are no longer clean and smelling of pine. It breaks his heart but he perseveres.

Eventually it takes its toll and one day, after having drunk the last dregs of coffee out of the pot, John sees Rodney walk in and John can't take it. He screams, and shouts, and cries and apologizes for not smelling of pine.

He confesses his search for the device, telling Rodney how hard he's tried to be everything Rodney wants. But he can't. The device is gone and he knows he will never make Rodney happy, ever again.

Rodney stares at him like he's a loon, which angers him. How dare Rodney think that his misery is simple insanity!

In a fit of rage, he grabs the nearest blunt object and leaps on Rodney.

Turns out the object is a dildo, and as soon as he gets it near Rodney it lights up and begins to vibrate. John shoves it into Rodney's willing hands and tears his own clothes off

"Oh, Rodney, take me, please!" he shouts.

(Rodney's a little confused as to why he needs a dildo, when he's *got* a dick. On the other hand, he really isn't aroused by any of this.) Rodney sort of...drops the dildo on John's stomach and backs away.

John slips it into place, knowing that maybe Rodney's aim is a little off in the excitement of making love for the first time. The dildo responds, still vibrating and now giving a sort of rhythmic pulsing sensation. John's in ecstasy, calling out Rodney's name.

Rodney's tiptoeing for the door.

John comes, just from the look of amazement and wonder and that must be *love*, on Rodney's face, and the deep, hard thrusts from the dildo. He collapses, and says those perfect words. "I love you." Then John passes out from the force of his orgasm and the overwhelming emotion.

He wakes up in the infirmary with his wrists and ankles cuffed to the bed frame.

Beckett walks over, looking concerned. Says something about talking to Dr Hightmeyer but John doesn't care. He wants to tell the world! Er, universe. He and Rodney are married!!

Beckett pats his arm in a comforting, congratulatory way and John just beams at him. John is finally Rodney's! In fact, he can hear his Beloved's voice, yelling about asylums and drugs and lunatics. John just listens to the cadence of his voice and falls asleep with the thundering of Rodney's voice pounding in his ears.

When he wakes, he lies in bed, waiting. The nurses and doctors come in and go away again, and he doesn't mind. He's waiting for Rodney.

Days go by and Rodney must be working on something very important in the labs. John thinks about how heroic Rodney is, how hard he must be working to save the world. Er, universe. He's so proud, he can hardly wait to show Rodney just how proud he is.

Days go on. After awhile, he asks the nurses where his beloved is, and they don't tell him. Oh, they say things like he's fine, he's working, he's getting a transfer to another planet. But he knows they're trying not to worry him. It must be urgent, vitally important, and oh so dangerous, the work his love is doing.

He waits patiently, knowing that the day will come that Rodney will sweep in, triumphant, and untie John and take him home.

Even when they wheel the big, frightening looking Ancient device into the room and set it up next to his bed, he isn't worried. Rodney will come for him. Perhaps this is even part of Rodney's plan to save them all! He nods eagerly when they ask for his consent, knowing that if Rodney wishes this of him, he will do anything. If he can endure the pine scent he's really not fond of and a little allergic to, he can do anything.

They attach wires to his head. John smiles, proudly. Rodney will be so pleased to know how brave he is. Inside, he really wants to scream and cry and beg them not to do this -- whatever it is. But he doesn't, because he knows Rodney would be shamed by such behavior.

There's a very bright light and a voice in his head and John opens his eyes and looks over at Carson.

"Please tell me that was all a bad dream?"

Carson looks at him sternly. "If you EVER touch another plant that the natives TELL you is toxic, I will abandon you to everything Rodney suggested we do."

John thinks about this. Maybe a transfer to another galaxy wouldn't be such a bad idea, after all.

"Oh, and Rodney told me to tell you, if you woke up normal, that he expects chocolates 'every damn week for the next ten years'. Up to you to figure out how to get it." With that, Carson walks away.

John thinks hard about the possible ways to kill himself with only a hospital gown and a bendy straw. It's got to be easier than ever, ever, ever facing Rodney McKay again.

Unless he can figure out where to find a stash of chocolate.