Sins of the Son

Notes: written for Violated By Demon Tongue. Because how can I pass up a challenge like that?

~~~

Dean's worst sin is not what he's done, but one thing he didn't do. He tries never to think about it, which means that he spends almost every free minute thinking of nothing but.

He knows that if Sam ever finds out -- what he did, what he didn't do, that Dean will lose whatever vestige of respect Sam might have for him. Lost in disgust and anger and who knew what else.

It's fine, because there is no way (in Hell) that Dean will ever tell him.

He told Sam what Dad said. Save him or kill him. What he didn't say was the secret that was tearing him up, keeping him awake with guilt and what ifs and self-hatred.

They should have let him die. Dad should have let him die.

The fact that he didn't, that he traded his soul so that Dean could live... doesn't tell Dean anything about what his Dad remembers. Doesn't make Dean feel any better about what he didn't do.

That night, when the Demon used their father to fight them, to taunt and try to destroy them all.... The night Dean had forced Sam not to shoot wasn't the first time their father had been possessed by the Demon.

Dean was always fairly certain that his dad never remembered -- god knew he never mentioned it, his behavior didn't change in the slightest, afterwards. Dean thinks he would have noticed something, anything to tell him that his dad knew. But there had never been a single sign. Nothing to give away that he remembered his tongue sliding into Dean's mouth, or how Dean had whimpered and clutched at him and leaned himself back to let him.

For two years after, Dean and Dad hunted, together and separately, and Dad never let drop the slightest hint that he knew what the Demon -- what Dean -- had done.

Dean can't forget. Even when Sam came back and his girlfriend was dead and there was so much else to think about than what Dad remembered. Then the Demon was back inside John Winchester, and the way he had pressed up against Dean and smiled, made Dean think that, yeah, maybe he really was genuinely and truly fucked.

Then the Demon was gone, and Dean didn't wake up again until everything was over and his Dad was standing beside his bed. Looking at him and talking to him like he was still possessed, and not by a Demon that wanted to fuck him, either. His dad had leaned over, and Dean was assaulted by images of the Demon pressing his lips to Dean's, whispering words that Dean has never let himself remember. The press of a tongue, slipping past Dean's lips and Dean, horror, shame, relief -- opened his mouth and held on and let him.

His dad said nothing about it, instead told him about Sam, then Dad was gone and Sam was there and fast forward to today when Sam was pissed at him for not sharing his secrets.

Dean sits in the motel room, alone, listening to Sam's voicemail for the fourteenth time. Sam is gone, somewhere, and Dean is going to kick his ass when he catches up with him -- and if Sam is dead, then Dean is going to fucking kill him.

As Dean tries to figure out where his brother has gone, what stupid or horrendous trouble he might be in, Dean can't shake the feeling that this is all he deserves. Dad gone, Sam gone, Demon holding all the cards. This life is only what Dean has made it, because he's seen his father possessed, before. He should have recognised it the second time. Should have known. Should have acted sooner. Should have saved his brother and his father and fought the Demon and won.

Because there was only one time when his father's touch made him feel like that, and he should have known that it was evil.

the end